the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
