I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
