Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
