I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
