Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
