i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
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