I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
