my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
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