My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
