I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize