Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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