maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
home. puking in laundry basket.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
