why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
