areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Randomize
