Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize