you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
