So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
