he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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