My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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