I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
