i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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