just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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