Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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