Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
