I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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