it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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