I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
