The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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