I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize