I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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