I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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