would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
