I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
