Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
