This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
