When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
