just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Randomize
