I'm lost and stupid without you.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
