the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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