I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
