so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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