I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
