You made me cry and you don't even care
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize