just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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