mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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