Need sex. Gaining weight.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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