So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
no, he came in my armpit
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
