my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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