I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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