Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
