In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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