I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
