Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
