theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
