I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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