took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
