They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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