already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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